Get real, fatso

There’s a hit programme on British TV at the moment called “How to look good naked”. A young man who is clearly a queen (albeit a nice one) goes out of his way to make very fat birds feel better about, well, existing. The principal tool used in this is to persuade the subject that there are many, many people who are even fatter and all is thus well. I imagine he’d look pretty good naked, as he appears to be about 5% body fat, which I suspect is the maximum body fat for any person he’d personally consider having sex with.

When did British society come to rejoice in this sort of delusion and hypocrisy? As a fat bloke, I confess that I’m not wholly happy about it but at least I know what reality is. He says daft things like “curves are very sexy”. Objection 1: the words “curves” is a dumb euphemism for lardy. Curves can be sexy if they’re in the right place and of less than two feet in diameter only. It does violence to the English language and commonsense to use the word curve to mean the same thing. If you’re lardy, either accept it or do something about it. Don’t kid yourself though; lardy is resolutely not sexy. If a lardy (sorry “curvy”) person is sexy, then they’d be very sexy if they weren’t lardy. Sorry, curvy. Objection 2: how in the name of God would he know? He’s clearly never been sexually attracted to a woman in his life, curvy or otherwise. Would he be attracted to a “curvy” gay man? No chance, trust me. He might have a nice chat, say lovely things, but he’d go home with a stick insect with designer glasses. I’d do the same.

As I write this, he’s giving the curvy woman a crash course in corsetry. No kidding. The programme should thus be called “How to look passable with the assistance of an industrial strength corset”. Nobody would watch that though, would they? Eh? Eh? Perhaps a more truthful name could also be “How to look passable enough to become my fag hag”. Not sure that would much boost the ratings either.